


10 Days is All I Have

by yemmie



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-26
Updated: 2021-03-06
Packaged: 2021-03-12 02:00:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,516
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29002599
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yemmie/pseuds/yemmie
Summary: Iwaizumi Hajime is in a depressive state and doesn't know what to do with his life. He makes a deadly wish on his 24th birthday to die in 10 days. However, when Oikawa Tooru comes to visit him will he change and try to renounce his wish?
Relationships: Hanamaki Takahiro/Matsukawa Issei, Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru
Comments: 6
Kudos: 15





	1. Day 0

Iwaizumi Hajime was a lonely 23-year-old who didn’t feel like doing anything. He had barely graduated college and managed to get an office job at some big company. He didn’t remember his life being this lonely and sad. From what he can remember he used to be on a volleyball team.

He was the strong and dependable ace. No matter the challenge he would be able to use his raw power to get past any wall or defense. The ace was supposed to be perfect, strong, and resilient. The Iwaizumi Hajime now was the exact opposite of all of those things. His lack of training has caused him to lose any muscles he had. His body more like a twig with his ribs almost showing and his arms and legs looking like spaghetti. Iwaizumi was a lazy bum who barely manages to get to work on time and only does the bare minimum.

No one likes him or dares to approach him. His old friends had left him and told him to get himself together before he contacted them again. It’s not like he could blame them. His friend Makki and Matsun were getting married and right before the wedding, Iwaizumi had gotten terribly drunk. Beyond senses drunk. He started to scream about how Makki and Mattsun were both guys and they’ll be unhappy for the rest of their lives if they go through with this. In the end, Iwaizumi was kicked out and the wedding continued, trying to pretend that that outburst never happened.

When Iwaizumi finally got back to his senses he was back at his apartment with a text from Matsun telling him they didn’t want to talk to him for a while.

Then there was his friend Oikawa. Looking back on it now he couldn’t remember why they had split up. It must be because of the incident that happened on the last day of high school. However, from what Iwaizumi knows he’s no longer in touch with his best friend. One day Oikawa just vanished without a warning. Iwaizumi would be lying if he said it didn’t hurt him. In fact, it probably cut the only string he was holding on to.

It was now June 10th. Iwaizumi Hajime’s wonderful 24th birthday. He was spending it with his dirty laundry, some empty and full ramen cups, and himself. Iwaizumi thought to himself, “What should I wish for?”

He had gone to the store to buy a small cake and a candle. He thought that since this was probably the last birthday he was going to celebrate. In this next year, he will probably die from malnutrition and dehydration or he would walk out in the road unconsciously and get hit by a truck. He knew it was going to be one of those two things. Suicide was not an option for him. He was too much of a coward to kill himself. It was like that song verse he once heard, “I don’t want to live but I’m too scared to die.”

Back to the birthday. He had lit his candle but still haven’t decided what to wish for. His candle was already half melted. Some wax solidifying on the cake. He thought about what he did today to try to get some inspiration. He had woken up late today, ran to work, had his pants inside out, and was a sweaty mess. His boss was not too impressed and Iwaizumi was nearly fired. His birthday didn’t start that well and to be honest he didn’t know that it even was his birthday. He found out when his mom texted him.

His parents were nice and raised him well but when his life started to fall apart after the incident his parents didn’t seem to be anywhere in sight. After that, he became distant and disconnected from all of his friends. He cut every single string that could ever connect him with other people.

Now the candle only had a fourth of the height that it originally had. Iwaizumi decided that he didn’t want destiny to decide his death and potentially keep living till his 25 birthday. His life was so miserable no one would notice if he died in the next week.

He was about to blow out his candle but stopped. “A week?” he thought. Wasn’t that a little too short? I mean he didn’t want to live but a week seemed really short. His next decision didn’t make much sense but at that time it did. All he had to do to make it not as short was added three days. Three days would make ten days. In his mind, it was the perfect amount of time. After this decision, he ran through the wish one more time in his head.

“I, Iwaizumi Hajime wish that between now and 10 days I will die.”  
He didn’t have a doubt in his mind that he would later regret this wish. He didn’t think it was going to come true but even if it did he didn’t mind.

But, little did he know Oikawa Tooru was in town looking everywhere for him


	2. Day 1 Part 1

Iwaizumi wakes up the next morning with a splitting headache and an achy body. He had gotten drunk and had fallen asleep on the floor. The events that happened while he was drunk was unknown. 

He picks himself off of the floor and makes his way to his bedroom. His apartment seemed even more messy and disorganized than before if that was possible. Today he was supposed to go to work and then go shopping for food and if he was feeling good he would clean his apartment. Though, it seemed like he would have to clean his apartment no matter how he was feeling. 

Some time has passed and his headache had almost gone away. He decides to call in sick for work. When he had woken up he was already late to work. His shirt had cake stains on it and his pants were nowhere to be found. Today was going to be grocery and clean up day. 

Iwaizumi reaches over to grab his cake plate looking at the candle. It was only about 2 inches tall and the wax had spilled all over the plate and the cake. 

His wish. 

_I really lost it. I wished for something so stupid. You really thought that it would actually come true?_

He was humiliated for probably making the most childish and dumbest wish in all of existence. Despite being so humiliated he takes his calendar counts ten days and puts a circle around June 20th. 

_I guess that June 20th will potentially be my last day alive. Can’t take back my wish now._

He grabs an empty trash bag and starts putting almost everything into the bag. As he does this his mind starts to wander. 

_If I did die, would Makki, Matsun, and Oikawa care or find out? What if I die at home and no one finds me until I start to rot and smell? I haven’t talked to anyone in over 3 years. My college life was dull and lonely just like my life now. Nothing much has changed. Each year passes by and I celebrate my birthday by myself but my life stays dull and lonely. Maybe it’s my fault that everyone stays away from me. It’s not like I go out of my way to interact and be social. Yeah, it’s definitely my fault. Ever since that happened I haven’t really talked to anyone._

He snaps out of his trance when he hears a knock on the door. 

“Coming!” He drops the bag and quickly tries to push everything out of sight. 

“Hello? Can I help you?” Iwaizumi says. He puts an effort to sound happy but keeps his eyes down to the floor without looking up. 

“Um, is that you Iwa-chan?” 

The voice almost made Iwaizumi fall. His knees practically buckling under him.

“Oikawa!? What are you doing here.” Oikawa’s sudden presence began to make him self-conscious. He was desperately tugging at his clothing to try to hide his twig-like body. 

“Iwa-chan. Why are you looking at the ground? You've gotten so weak you can’t even look up?” At this Iwaizumi lifts his head. He sees Oikawa for the first time since high school graduation. He looks as perfect as ever. His hair is perfectly styled, his body in perfect shape, and his silly smile that would make anyone smile back.

“Makki and Matsun asked me to check on you.” He says awkwardly. It almost seems like he is embarrassed to be at Iwaizumi’s front door which made him feel agitated. 

He impulsively blurts, “Well you’ve seen me so you can go back to your life and keep on ignoring me.” 

As soon as he says it he immediately regrets it. He sees Oikawa’s awkward smile turn into a frown. His face now looking serious and grim. 

“I see your temper hasn’t changed much since I’ve last seen you, and for your information, I haven’t been ignoring you. I’ve just been busy. A lot of things have happened since high school ended.” 

He spoke the last part quietly and barely audible to Iwaizumi.

“Anyway Iwa-chan, to make sure you are actually doing well I’m coming in.” And with that, he pushed Iwaizumi and enters the apartment.

Despite trying to cover Oikawa’s eyes and trying to push him away Iwaizumi utterly failed at getting his mess of an apartment hidden. The fact that trash was absolutely everywhere made the whole place smelled like a dumpster. 

Oikawa begins to scan the room looking at the horror he had just walked into.

“Iwaizumi Hajime! How do you live like this? This bowl has grown mold in it, it’s been on the floor for so long. Mold!? Do you see that? And when was the last time you did laundry? Do you even know how bad it smells in here? You’d think someone died!”

_Yeah, that’s true. It’s probably me you’re smelling. This place is suffocating me but I can never seem to leave it._

“I was going to clean up today until you interrupted me.” Iwaizumi says but instead of sounding annoyed, he sounded like a child about to cry from being scolded by their mom. 

Hearing this Oikawa goes over to him.

“I don’t know what you’ve been doing for the last 3-4 years but this is bad. Like really really bad. Why didn’t you reach out to someone? I know you still have my number. “

“I didn’t want to bother you. Besides, why do you care all of a sudden? I haven’t been bothered by other people for years.”

Oikawa sighs and says, “Look I know that we haven’t been in contact for a long time but you’re still my childhood best friend. Makki, Matsun, and I haven’t heard from you in over 3 years. Don’t you think we would start to get worried?”

_“Best friend.”_

Those words. Best friend seems to feel weird on Iwaizumi’s tongue. The memories that he so desperately tried to forget came flooding back into his head. Oikawa with him at the park. The feeling of hope in Iwaizumi’s heart. The rejection. The two words. And then finally, the blood. 

Iwaizumi’s vision blurs and his ears begin to hear nothing but ringing. Oikawa’s voice faintly saying how his face looks pale and he begins to see how skinny Iwaizumi had become. 

He starts to reach for Iwaizumi when he doesn’t respond and catches him right before he collapses onto the floor. 


	3. Day 1 Part 2

“-chan? Iwa-chan? IWA-CHAN!”

“What? Where am I?”

I look up and see Oikawa in his highschool uniform.

“What are you doing? Why are you in your uniform.”

“Um, did you hit your head or something? You said you needed to tell me something and led me to the park.”   
  


“ _ What's happening to me? Am I remembering the last day of high school?” _

Suddenly my body moves on its own. It’s like the world is determined to make me relive this awful memory. A memory I have spent all of my energy trying to forget. 

“Hey Oikawa, I’ve been with you for my whole life and I don’t know if you feel the same way but I have to tell you before we part ways.  _ I love you.” _

_ “No, I didn’t want to say that. Quickly take it back! I have to take it back. Move mouth!! Stop this. Don’t make me do this! I can’t do this!” _

“Iwa- um I mean Iwaizumi I don’t really understand what you’re trying to say.” His face showed a look of confusion and a bit of disgust. 

“ _ Bullcrap. He’s experienced so many confessions from girls he can see one from a mile away.” _

His mouth moved by itself again. “You know exactly what I’m saying. Now I’m asking for your response.”   
  


I look him directly in the eyes making him feel even more uncomfortable than he already was. His eyes looking away towards the street. 

“Look Iwaizumi, you’re my best friend but that’s about it. I’m sorry but I don’t see you that way.”   
  


I had come up with a plan if he rejected me I would say goodbye and calmly walk back home. What I didn’t expect was how bad rejection was going to make me feel. How the world completely blanked and my movements didn’t feel like my own. I didn’t realize just how much I loved him.

I faintly hear myself say it's fine and then say goodbye. I’m walking towards the street not hearing anything. I’m looking down at the ground unaware of my surroundings.

I don’t hear Oikawa’s strained voice yelling at me to stop. At that moment he probably forgot all about the confession. His mind focused on my safety. 

When I step onto the street I feel a push. I fall to the ground on my side. Something warm is clinging onto my clothes and face. I stand up to look and I see that the warm feeling on my body was blood.

“ _ Where did this come from? Did I trip when I stepped onto the street?” _

I look around me and see Oikawa laying beside me. His face all messed up and  _ his _ blood everywhere.

“ _ What's happening? How did he get here?” _

My body goes numb. I feel myself yelling but I can’t hear it. Nothing is happening. I can’t feel anything. I sense my body touching back down onto the road and my eyes blackout. My throat however is telling me that I’m still screaming out something that I couldn’t hear.

“OIKAWA!” I yell. My body jerking up into a seated position. I’m covered with blankets and something wet lays on my forehead.

“Iwa-chan! Are you okay? Did you have a bad dream? You look so pale.”

“I-I’m fine. Nothing to worry about.”   
  


Oikawa is wearing an apron and a ladle is in his hand. He must have brought it with him for whatever reason because I don’t own one. I haven’t cooked anything in ages.

“You had a slight fever so I laid you down. I hope that it's alright.”

“It's fine. Are you cooking something?”

“Yeah and I also cleaned up a bit. It looked like you haven’t had a home-cooked meal in a while.”

“That’s true.”

I looked around and saw that my room was spotless. How long was I asleep for? 

“Oikawa, you didn’t have to clean up after me. I would have done it sooner or later.”

“It’s fine. I wanted to do it. Go get washed up and come eat!”

I walk over to the bathroom. The smell coming from the kitchen is making my mouth water. I wonder when was the last time I smelled real food. 

I look at myself in the mirror and notice how terrible I look. I have dark bags under my eyes and a rough beard growing on my chin. If it weren’t for my decent looking clothes I’d look like a homeless person. 

Because of Oikawa’s unexpected visit, I didn’t have time to clean myself up. That’s probably why he told me to wash up. I grab my razor and my shaving cream. Both of them look like I’ve only used it once. 

The cold water on my face felt good and once I was done I looked ten times better. A beard on my face never looked good on me. It made me look old and tired. Sometimes though I picture myself like that. I never have the motivation or energy to do most things so I might as well be an old man.

I dry my face and walk to the kitchen. I have a small table in there set up for two people. I don’t know why I bought a table made for two. I didn’t have friends when I got to the apartment. I guess there was still hope in my heart that someone would come and save me from the hole I had dug myself into. 

On the outside, I always blamed other people for the sadness that I had felt but deep down I knew it was my fault. I had caused the loneliness I now feel. I had caused my friends to walk away from me. This whole thing had been because of my lack of awareness. 

I see Oikawa in a pink apron humming to some weird song. He probably heard it on a commercial and will ask me about it later. Even though I haven’t seen him in over 3 years I somehow still know how he will act. It must be because of all those years in high school watching and interpreting his every move. 

I sit down, my plate already set down on the table. Looks like he made  agedashi tofu. I guess he still knows me as much as I still know him. It seems like nothing has changed. The time that we spent apart is non-existent.

“Thanks for cooking. It looks great.”

“Of course it’s great. I’m the one who made it.” He says back. His tone feels so light and happy. His smile took me back to our high school days. Any sort of happiness that I feel always circles around high school. I guess those were the happiest years of my life. After that nothing comes close. 

He sits down across from me and suddenly looks relieved. His face showing that he was feeling pain but trying to show it. I’m curious as to why he’s making that face but I decided to just eat. Maybe he was just tired from all of that cooking and cleaning. I know I would be exhausted. I probably wouldn’t have gotten all of it done like he had.

I pick up my chopsticks and say thanks. I‘m about to take a bite when I hear a loud thud. What was that? Am I hearing things now?

I look under the table to see a prosthetic leg on the floor. I look back up at Oikawa and see him rubbing his knee.

I must have had a look of horror on my face because he quickly looked up at me and apologized. His face flustered.

“Sorry Iwa-chan, It’s kind of a habit that I take it off before eating dinner. All of that walking around really got me tired. I still can’t get a hang of this thing.”

“Ah-I-It’s fine. I don’t mind.” I quickly say. I’m unable to look him in the eye.

Of course, I knew he had a prosthetic. He had gotten it after pushing me off of the street but I had forgotten about it. Well, I hadn’t really forgotten more like I pushed it away from my mind. 

“If it makes you uncomfortable I can put it back on.”

Both of us knew that it was too late for him to put it back on and pretend nothing had happened. But he was the kind of person to suggest it just for the hell of it.

“No seriously I’m fine.”

“Ok if you say so”

I try to ignore it and continue eating but I just can’t find my appetite. I’m a grown man and I have regrets but I should have made peace with it by now. What's holding me back from living my life? 

Is it guilt? Do I just have a mental illness? What am I doing wrong and what is wrong with me?

Oikawa must have seen that I wasn’t eating and in deep thought about something I shouldn’t be worrying about. He grabs underneath the table and pulls out a couple of beers.

“Hey Iwa-chan, how about we just drink something instead. I’m sure we have a lot to talk about.”


	4. Day 1 Part 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if this chapter is a bit messy and disorganized. I really wanted to finish this chapter but it might have just ended up as a jumbled up piece of trash. Anyway, I hope you like it and thank you for reading.

To be honest, Makki and Matsun wasn’t the only reason I had come to visit Iwaizumi. I knew that Iwaizumi was hurting. I had known for sure ever since I had gotten out of the hospital on that day.

When I got out I had to do a lot of physical therapy and get comfortable with my new leg. Throughout that whole time, Iwaizumi didn’t visit me once. He came on the occasional visit when his parents dragged him out of the house but even then he wouldn’t even look me in the eye. When he came to those forced visits I noticed that he looked thinner and thinner as time went on.

I knew he felt guilty. I mean I would feel guilty too. 

He probably felt like he had ruined his best friend’s future. And to make it worse he had confessed only to get brutally shot down. I made so many mistakes that day and will probably regret them till the day I die.

The first mistake I made was before the confession. It wasn't a really bad mistake like my other ones but for some reason I still regret it. I knew something was off with Iwa-chan when he invited me to the park. Usually, he would just walk off and I would chase after him but this time was different. This time he asked me to come. I didn't think much of it. I just thought that since this was the last day of school he wanted to make the most of it. I played it off and pretended like it was nothing. I should have taken it more seriously. I should have seen Iwa's fluttery movements and the pink blush on his cheeks. I should have thought about why he asked me. But I didn't and I goofily let him lead me towards the park.

My second mistake was during the confession. When he actually made me sit down and listen to him I saw that this was turning into a confession. I could see one from a mile away because of the massive amount of confessions I get every day. 

When he said the three life-changing words my body froze. My heart skipped a beat and I couldn't breathe for a second. I wasn't expecting this from him in a million years. He was always so strong and always showed tough-love. I never would have thought he would confess to someone and to me that is! But the real reason I was shocked was because I loved him back. I loved him with all of my heart and soul. I've loved him since the day I started my second year of middle school. You couldn’t have counted the number of times I’ve imagined him being all mine. Our fingers intertwined with each other. Our heads moving closer and closer together until our lips touched. I loved him so much but I rejected him.

My third mistake was acting dumb and making a weird facial expression. I didn't believe what I heard so I played it dumb. I said I didn't know what he was talking about and just like that he saw through my lie. He didn't even hesitate he knew that I was lying. He saw through my act so my disbelief and confusion that I was feeling was put into a facial expression. It probably was not the right facial expression to put on at that moment, and it must have looked like I was disgusted by the idea of my best friend seeing me in a romantic way.

Finally, my fourth and last mistake was rejecting him. When I thought about finally being able to be with Iwa-chan I was overjoyed but I had other plans after graduation. I was going to go to Argentina and play volleyball. I wouldn't be in Japan. A long-distance relationship would be hard for both of us. My mistake was not believing that we could pull it off. I didn't believe that Iwa-chan would stay with me and wait for my potential arrival back to Japan. All I thought at that moment is that it would be too hard for us and the right thing to do is to reject him. Then we could avoid the potential sadness both of us would have to face in a long-distance relationship.

I didn't believe in myself or Iwa-chan and that will always be the number one thing I will regret. 

Everything after that though I will never regret. Jumping out to push Iwa-chan out of the way was never a regret. Losing my leg to save him was never a regret. Ruining my chances at being a professional volleyball player just to potentially save him from the same fate that I am in now was never a regret. 

I wanted to convey this message to Iwa-chan as soon as I was out of the hospital but life had other plans for me. My parents wanted me to go to a good college now that professional volleyball was out of my life. I left only saying bye to my parents and close friends. I texted Iwa-chan that I was leaving but he never responded. I ended up studying overseas before finally returning back home. 

I was disappointed that I missed Makki and Mattsun’s wedding and immediately went to them. I wanted to know if Iwa-chan was there and how their wedding was. When I heard about Iwa-chan's outburst I was shocked but most of all I laughed. It sounded like a thing someone would do in a corny movie. The married couple was not amused and said they haven't been in contact with him since. 

I decided I was going to visit him but I had to find a place to live and settle down. I got Iwa's address and got a job near Iwa-chan's place. I knew I wanted to live near him. I wanted to make things right between the two of us. Clear the misunderstandings and start a new beginning. In order to do that I needed to live close to him. 

I set up a plan. I would go to his house and just barge right in. I’m guessing his life is a mess right now because of how lonely he was. Based on what Makki had told me, Iwa-chan had spent his college day locked up in his apartment and only went out to buy food. I brought some simple cooking supplies and a box of beer. I didn’t know if I needed to bring this stuff but better safe than sorry. 

However, when I actually got to Iwa’s doorstep I was so close to turning right back around and sulking in my bed. How could I suddenly come into his life? I would be horrified if he did that to me. I wouldn’t be prepared and my place wouldn’t be cleaned. 

Even though I was thinking that I gathered my courage and knocked on his door. 

When he opened the door I thought I was at the wrong place. He had a scruffy beard with long hair. He had a suit on but it looked two sizes too big for him. His body was skinnier than mine and the bags under his eyes were huge. This wasn't the Iwaizumi Hajime that I had known. I was taken aback. What had happened in the last few years that I was gone. Did I just catch him at a wrong time? Could he have really fallen this low?

He looked at me super surprised, barely even able to respond back to me. He talked to me with his head lowered and his eyes at the ground. It began to make me mad. It felt like we were back with me in the hospital and him being forced to visit me. 

I made a joke about it and instantly he looked me in the eye. I saw his face clearly and his dark brown eyes looking at me. But it didn’t feel right. His intensity in his eyes wasn't there. His eyes looked like all of the life in him had been sucked out. 

I had to fix this. He needed to live his life to the fullest and not worry about the past. The past is the past. He needs to live his life happily so that I can live mine too. I risked my life to save him and for him to throw away his life like this is too hard to watch. What would that make me then? If he’s not living then why would I have the right to live happily and pretend as if nothing had happened? 

I walked past him shocked at how easy it was to push him away. His body felt like nothing and I was afraid the slightest push would break his bones. 

When I walked in I immediately smelled something foul. There were clothes and remaining pieces of food littering the floor. When I turned back to look at him he didn’t look the slightest bit embarrassed. It was like he knew he was defeated and that it would be pointless to defend himself. 

“I don’t know what you’ve been doing for the last 3-4 years but this is bad. Like really really bad. Why didn’t you reach out to someone? I know you still have my number. “ I said to him.

“I didn’t want to bother you. Besides, why do you care all of a sudden? I haven’t been bothered by other people for years.” He replied. There isn’t any energy in his voice. He’s lying and he knows it but it doesn’t seem like he has the energy to make it sound convincing.

I sighed and said, “Look I know that we haven’t been in contact for a long time but you’re still my childhood best friend. Makki, Matsun, and I haven’t heard from you in over 3 years. Don’t you think we would start to get worried?”

After I said this he started to look distant and wouldn’t respond to anything I said. Before I knew it he’d fallen into my arms and his skin was burning up. 

I immediately set him down on the couch and got a cold rag and put it on his forehead. I covered him with some blankets and then got to work. 

The apartment was literally a mess. I’d never seen something like it in all of my life. I saw a trash bag lying on the floor. I guess he wasn’t lying when he said he was going to clean up a bit. In it, there seems to be a half-eaten slice of cake and the smallest candle I’ve ever seen. It looked like he really spent his time choosing something to wish for.

“ _Yesterday was his birthday, wasn’t it. I’m so stupid how could I have forgotten. I better do something for him tonight.”_

I cleaned up as much as I could and then started cooking his favorite food to try to make up for not being there for his birthday. I would occasionally check up on him and it seemed like his fever was going down but he still hadn’t woken up. 

I’m in the middle of putting food on the plate when I heard a loud scream.

“OIKAWA!”

I ran over to him. He had a cold sweat and looked worse than when I saw him when I first got here.

I told him to get washed up and returned to the kitchen to finish plating everything. When he returned we both sat down at the table.

I unconsciously removed my prosthetic leg. I had gotten into the habit of taking it off when I eat dinner. Wearing it all the time can get tiring so taking it off at the end of the day is nice.

This however was not a good thing to do. Iwa-chan goes pale as soon as he sees it and the tension in the room rises. I try to think of something to create small talk but I draw a blank. Usually, I can think of something but nothing comes to mind. 

I saw him just picking at his food. He looked uncomfortable and he might even barf if he looked at my leg. 

As my last attempt to try to make both of us open up a bit I bring out the beer. Hopefully, the alcohol will loosen both of us up a bit. We leave and head to the living room leaving our full plates on the table.


	5. Day 1 Part 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading this and I hope you enjoy reading the last part of day 1.

Ever since the wedding, I haven’t touched alcohol. I felt so guilty about what I did that alcohol had lost its appeal. 

When Oikawa showed me the beer he’d brought, I almost lost my appetite entirely. I didn’t want to make this any more awkward than it already was but the thought of drinking again made me sick to my stomach. But I decided that I was going to push through it and have a drink because he’s done so much for me already. I at least owe him this much.

We sit down on the couch and I begin to wonder how much beer I’ll actually be able to drink. I haven’t drunk any in a while so I might end up ruining the night even further. 

He handed me a bottle and I opened it taking a sip. Surprisingly I don’t feel the urge to spit it out. Maybe it’s because Oikawa is here with me. I feel comforted by his presence. It has always been like this. Especially back in high school. I would always feel more at ease when he was in my line of vision. 

He probably knew this because he never strayed too far away from me. It wasn’t until I strayed away from him that he kept his distance. 

“Iwa-chan? Hello? You keep getting lost in thought.”

“Oh sorry. I’m just a little tired.”

I’m not tired at all. I just don’t know what to talk about. We haven’t seen each other in so long it’s more awkward than joyful now that we’ve reunited. 

We continue to sit in silence. Oikawa occasionally says something and I give a brief answer and then we both sit back in silence. I want him to just leave and free me from this uncomfortable situation but then again I don’t want him to leave me all alone.

A part of me wanted him to run as far away from me as possible so that I wouldn’t have the chance to hurt him again. But then there was something deep inside of me that wanted him to touch me and comfort me. That part of me wants to keep Oikawa all to myself and it scares me. He clearly rejected me and I hurt him so much. I don’t deserve his love even if he did have those feelings for me. 

I guess it's been a long time because my beer can is empty. I grab and open another. 

I’ve lost so much weight that the amount I can drink isn’t as much as it used to be. I’m already feeling the side effects of the alcohol.

I open my mouth to tell him that he should leave. It’s getting late and I don’t have the energy to try and save whatever this is, but before I can say anything he blurts out something.

“Hey Iwa-chan, I love you.”

_ “What was that? Did I hear him right?” _

Only someone stupid would say something like that out of the blue. I must be misunderstanding something. He must be saying he loves me as a friend. He’s just trying to cheer me up.

“Uh- yeah I already knew that. You are my best friend even if we haven't talked in a while.”

I search his face trying to reassure myself that I just misunderstood him. However, his face turns redder than it already was. His eyes are averted away from me.

“N-No I didn’t mean it like that. To be honest, the real reason that I came to see you was to make things right. I wanted to give you an honest answer to your confession that you gave all these years ago.”

This time my face goes bright red but not from embarrassment. I feel my fist clench and my teeth grinding against each other.

“ _ How could he say such a thing after all these years. Don’t you think I’ve suffered enough?” _

“Hey, Iwa-chan are you alright.” This time he looks at me. 

I don’t want to look at him. If I look into his eyes I’ll lose.

Instead of looking up, I look down at my feet. I’m so angry and happy at the same time. I have wanted those words to come out of his mouth for the longest time but do I deserve this? 

Shouldn’t he be dating some really pretty girl and forgetting all about me. I ruined his future. I shouldn’t be rewarded. I made a wish to die in 10 days. You’d do me a favor if you just hated me. Then I could just die without any guilt. 

We’re sitting so close to one another that our legs almost touch. I see his hand reaching out towards mine but I immediately pull away. I stand up and step away from him.

His face looks hurt and sad. I’ve done it again. I just can’t do anything right when it comes to him. My eyes become hot and my vision blurs over. Before I know it hot tears are streaming down my eyes. 

“Iwa-”   
  


“Get out,” I say quietly. Barely over a whisper.

“Wha-what did you say?”

“I said get out” This time my voice is louder almost sounding like I’m yelling. 

“Iwa I know that this is probably the worst timing ever and it’s not the time or place for a confession but I just can’t lose you again. We’ve been apart for too long and I just can’t wait any longer.”   
  


I wonder if he hears what he’s saying. Right now he sounds like a total asshole. Doesn’t he remember that he’s the one who rejected me? Everything that happened that day I will regret for the rest of my life. At that point up till now, I’ve been miserable because of your rejection and what I did to you.

Just please go away. Don’t say you love me after all these years. I won’t be able to take it.

Oikawa hasn’t moved an inch despite me yelling at him to leave. His face no longer looking hurt but as if he was on a mission. Is he determined to make me accept his feelings?

“I’m not going anywhere.” He says. His voice sounds so deep and dark. What is he thinking right now?   
  


It looks like my tears aren’t going anywhere either. My throat is starting to close up and I feel as if I can’t speak.

“If this is out of pity I don’t want it. No matter how much I love you I don’t want your fake love. Just leave, please.”   
  


“Who do you think I am. I would never do that to you.” I can’t help but look at him. His face is scrunched up and he looks like he wants to cry.

“D-do you understand what you’re saying right now? You-you can’t just say you love someone when that someone has completely drowned themselves in misery because of a heartbreak caused by you. It-it doesn’t work like that. You j-just can’t say that!” My voice is getting louder with every word. He has to leave before I blow.

“Just leave me alone!”   
  


“Look, I know-”

“YOU DON’T KNOW ANYTHING! You don’t know what it's been like these past years. You don’t know the things people have done to me and what I’ve done to them. I-I just… I-I c-can’t” I bring my hands to my head and pull on the ends of my hair. 

“I want you to tell me what you’ve been going through. Let me help you. I’ve made so many mistakes and I want to fix them. I need you to know that I don’t regret or hate you for anything that happened that day. I was being a coward and should have just told you that I loved you back then.” His voice sounds strained and his hands are desperately reaching for me.

“I don't want to hear about your regrets right now. I don't even know what I’m feeling. It's as if I’m happy, and hurt, and ashamed, and guilty, and just about every other goddamn emotion!”

I start to cry even harder and fall back onto the couch. Oikawa sits next to me and pulls me into a hug. I don’t even have the energy to pull away. All I feel is the heaviness of my chest and how warm he feels against me.

_ When was the last time I was pulled into a hug? When was the last time someone told me they loved me?  _

I can’t help but be angry. He comes out of the blue and tells me he loves me. I’ve been suffering so long because of how he rejected me and now he wants me to love him back after all these years. What am I supposed to do? Forget everything and run to him.

But then I feel the guilt of being responsible for him losing his leg. Maybe I deserve all of this grief I’ve felt. He should hate me and remove me from his life. I shouldn’t be rewarded for ruining his life. He had amazing plans after he graduated. He would tell me all about them during high school and  _ I _ took that away from him. It’s only fair that he hurts me back.

But then I feel happy. Even though I ignored him when he probably needed me most he still came looking for me. He even wants to make things right like he’s in the wrong. If he does that how in the world will I ever feel like I deserve him. 

I pull away from his arms and try to look at him. My heart feels like it's aching and my head feels like it no longer works.

“I loved you like I’ve never loved anyone back in high school and my feelings probably haven’t changed but you looked at me like it was disgusting confessing to you. And then to make things worse I ruined everything by not being able to deal with being rejected. Now you come up to me and say you love me? How do you want me to take this? What do you want me to say!”

He pulls me back onto a hug and whispers in my ear, “I want a second chance with you. I want you to rely on me more and live happily. I don’t want to see you like this, it’s just too painful to watch. I won’t let you throw your life away. I’m going to keep you safe, I swear.”

Dammit, I lost. I can never win when it comes to him. In the end, my resolve always seems to disappear. It’s like I’ve been waiting all these years just to hear him say that. Maybe I didn’t lose hope and deep down I knew he was going to come and save me. 

His shirt must be soaked by now with my snot and tears. I’m so tired now and his warm body against mine is making me want to go to sleep. It feels so nice being in his arms like this. I wonder how many times I’ve imagined this.

I whisper into his ear, “I love you Tooru.”

And right before I lose consciousness I feel him start to shake and wet drops begin to fall down onto my shirt.


	6. Day 2 Part 1

“June 20th is today’s date.”

My eyes aren’t even open but my phone just said the date to me.

Wait June 20th? Wasn’t it just June 11? I was with Oikawa...

Oikawa. 

Where is he now? I can’t remember much because I’m still groggy but didn’t I fall asleep next to him? What’s happening?

I stand up trying to get a sense of my situation. Nobody but me is home and my apartment is glistening. Nothing is on the ground and all of my trash seems to be in the trash can. 

“Is this really my apartment? I know Oikawa cleaned up a bit when he came but not this much.”

Suddenly I’m standing in the middle of the street. It’s about noon now and everyone is out and about shopping and going out for lunch. The streets are full of people and cars.

I’m waiting to cross the street, an impatient feeling rising within me. It’s like someone else is feeling these emotions. I step onto the street and begin to run across with my focus on my phone. There’s nothing showing up on the phone but I can’t seem to look at anything other than the black screen. 

I hear honking and screams before I’m finally able to break free from my phone and before I know it a flash of white and orange is all I’m able to see.

I wake up with a jolt. My whole body had tensed up and my heart was beating out of control. However, I was instantly comforted by a pair of warm arms holding me close.

It doesn’t seem like Oikawa is awake but he hasn’t loosened his grip on me at all. I bet he’s been holding me tight like this all night. It’s like if he doesn’t hold me tight I might slip through his grasp.

He’s probably not wrong. If it weren’t for his pain in the ass stubbornness I would have left or kicked him out already. I know I’m a coward and if it were up to me I would have already run as far away from this situation as possible.

Here I am though, wrapped tightly in his arms and enjoying the warmth radiating off of him. I wonder what that dream was all about though. It felt so real and vivid. Some parts of it didn’t make sense but I couldn’t tell it was a dream at all.

The date was also June 20th. That’s nine days from now. I swear I had something planned for that day. All of the commotion and emotional stress have really messed me up. I can’t seem to think straight and my thoughts are blurring together.

“Hey Iwa-Chan, are you alright?” His voice sounds deep and groggy and his eyes are half-open. 

“Oh-um I’m fine. You can sleep more.”

“Okay… I’m sleeping more..” 

He reaches for my hand and intertwines it with his own. It feels weird that we’re holding hands like this after reuniting only yesterday but I don’t really want him to let go. 

I feel like I’m still recovering from yesterday and probably will face more breakdowns like that. Who knows though maybe Oikawa has come at the right time and I’ll be able to start to recover. 

Oikawa is starting to try to wake himself up when I realize I should make something for breakfast. I don’t know if I have anything in my fridge but I could probably make something small. 

I stand up but only to be pulled right back down. Looks like he doesn’t want to let go just yet either. 

“Hey, let go. I need to make breakfast.”

With what? There’s literally nothing in the fridge.” His eyes still closed and head tucked into the crook of my neck. 

“I could make something quick with something. I’ll figure it out as I go.”

“ Yeah… I don’t think that’s going to work.” 

“Shut up, Shittykawa.”

“Shittykawa?”

My face goes red and hot “Er-um-no I didn’t mean to say that. Sorry force of habit.”

He laughs under his breath and tightens his grip on me if that’s even possible. 

“No, it’s fine. It’s kind of comforting to hear that awful nickname again. I was a little worried about how polite you were being to me yesterday.”

“Yeah, I was a bit stiff yesterday wasn’t I.”

“Once we started drinking however things took a turn. You should call me by my first name more often Iwa-chan, it was cute~”

I feel myself blushing even harder. “Whatever. That was a one-time thing. Don’t get used to it. Besides you call me ‘Iwa-chan’.”

“That’s different-”

“No it’s not.”

“Yes it is! ...It’s totally different.” He lets me go and sits up and makes me face him. When I saw his face I found him blushing. 

“What are you so embarrassed about? I didn’t even say anything weird.”

“I’m preparing myself.”

“For what?”

“This.” 

He grabs the back of my head and leans towards me. Before I knew it his lips were touching mine. 

“Close your eyes stupid. You look like an idiot with your eyes open.”

My eyes close and I lean into the kiss. My body feeling like it’s melting.  
Oikawa breaks it and immediately hugs me, making it impossible for me to see his face. 

“Hey! Let me see your f-”

“Listen to me okay?” His tone making me shut up instantly. 

“Okay, I’m listening.”

“Don’t do anything reckless. I’m here now so don’t leave me. Make sure you tell me what you’re thinking no matter what and don’t you ever pretend like you’re fine. Both of us know you’ve been struggling these past years so lying to me is useless.”

“You’ve probably been hurting and struggling even more than me with that leg of yours,” I say but I get no response. 

We stay in silence for a few seconds before I hear him take a breath.

“Just don’t leave again. I don’t want you to leave. Stay for me, okay?”

He sounds really scared now. I get that he doesn’t want me to fully shut him out of my life like I did at the end of high school but he’s acting like I’m going to die.”

I wrap my arms around him and pull him towards me.

“I won’t leave okay?”

“Okay.”

“Hey, Iwa-chan.”

“Yeah?”

“You know I love you right?”

“Yeah.”

“Hey, Iwa-chan.”

“Yeah?”

“I love you, so stay with me forever.”

“Yeah.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading this. This is the first fanfic that I've ever written. I hope you enjoy reading it and please give me feedback to improve my writing. Thank you again for reading this!


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